Sunday, August 21, 2011

Eating For Two

All right, let's get it out of the way. I'm pregnant. Yay miracles happy joyous cuddly bunnies fluffy clouds! Don't let the sarcasm confuse you, I am incredibly excited as someone who outwardly shows little excitement in public but says they're excited can be. In just over seven months, someone will depend on me, and I will use that against the kid when I'm old, vain and confined in bed in need of lunch.

I've noticed a few things in these past weeks, though. Things I never would have noticed as a free-wheelin (see: neurotic), party-going (see: homebody) young gal (see: 27 going on 65).

First. Online Pregnany Forums. So it's your first pregnancy, you're super excited, and that your mind is nonstop baby. Your official status with your single friends has changed to "lost cause". And cats = not great conversationalists.

Pregnancy forums! Doesn't it sound like a great idea to join a community where the women are going through the same things you are? WRONG WRONG WRONG. Unless pregnancy is a non-stop emergency where every little symptom is a cause for panic, don't use forums. Miscarriage affects about 15% of women, often so early most don't realize it. Online, however, it has affected 90% of women, and the other 10% are worried that the back itch they're experiencing is a miscarriage. It's not a happy place.

Also, every forum post is filled with six hundred tickers, like how old their current children are, how long they've been married, how far along their pregnancy is, the size of their baby is an over-microwaved carrot, how long they've been constipated for.
It's completely mind-numbing.

Second. Nursery decor. ENOUGH with the blue and pink. I'm so thankful for blogs like Lay Baby Lay for being creative and providing a multitude of styles and colors for nurseries. Unfortunately, the big box stores are obsessed with gender divisions. And no, I'm not going to end up like the mom who doesn't name her child or assign it a gender. But oh do I hate pink, girly room decor. If I have a girl, it's getting dinosaurs. And they won't be pink...which won't be hard, because apparently dinosaurs are only allowed for boys.

Also. Why are monkeys on EVERYTHING related to babies? They're stuffed animals, they're on crib bedding, on mobiles, on onesies. Monkeys are filthy, vile pickpockets that spread disease. No child of mine is getting monkey decor.

Third. Breasts. Glorious, gigantic breasts. Even if they're unbelievably sore. Amazing.